First dates can be pretty easy to spot. The awkwardness and anxiety in the air is often palpable as two strangers attempt to make enough conversation to fill out an entire evening. Plus, some dudes just look uncomfortable in their best button-down shirt, clearly wrestled out of the back of their wardrobe for such an occasion.
Toronto-based writer Anne Thériault recently stumbled upon a first date while enjoying a coffee in a local café. The guy in this case, however, didn’t appear to be fighting any nerves. Instead, he confidently delivered what is surely the worst-ever first date performance in the world of all time.
Thériault, thankfully, live-tweeted the whole thing, offering singles everywhere some sound guidance on what not to say on that initial meet-up with a potential new flame, including such gems as “People tell me I look like James Franco”, and “I can barely take care of myself let alone a baby”. See the tweets below.
Watching a couple on what appears to be a terrible first coffee date at the table next to me. Dude is every precious self-involved writer.
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
“I’m writing a screenplay. It’s about this guy who never really feels like he fits in. Like he’s just different” — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
“People tell me I look like James Franco.” — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
She keeps politely asking him questions. Not once has he asked her about herself. Wait he just asked if she’d ever dated a writer wtf — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
“Writing is really hard. People don’t know that. It involves a lot of introspection, a lot of wrestling with your own demons.”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
He’s now complaining about the “body” of the coffee, telling her he knows a place that doesn’t over-roast their beans. — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Every single thing she mentions he “did that one time, with my buddy” and is now an expert in — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl: I actually love cooking Dude: Oh god you should try my puttanesca sauce, my friend who’s a chef says it’s even better than his — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
“A lot of my friends are having kids but I don’t know,” *self-conscious laugh* “I can barely take care of myself let alone a baby.”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
OH NO NOW HE’S TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS FEAR OF HAVING CHILDREN STEMS FROM HIS DADDY ISSUES AND I CANNOT — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl just looked at her phone in feigned surprise. “Oh weird, I have a text from my mom.” I just snorted audibly, turned it into fake cough — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Dude, oblivious: “oh yeah? That’s awesome, I don’t think my mom even knows how to text” — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl: “yeah, she’s, uh, worried she left her stove on. she’s in a meeting and can’t go home. I’d better go check for her.”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Dude: do you want to go and come back? Girl: It’s pretty far. Maybe we can do this again next week? I’ll text you. OUT THE DOOR LIKE A SHOT — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
He just opened his laptop and started typing. I hope it’s a sad story about his life. — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
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